I Should Be Thankful

I have to say today is a hard, depressing just plain miserable day. The most challenging thing about the NICU is every day it is a little different. One day you are up so high that you want to have a huge party to celebrate and the next day you are so low just left wondering what life is all about. Today was a very low day ! I am just so worn out and exhausted. I can't really explain the extent of my exhaustion. You will never understand until you have a loved one left in a hospital bed for three months. Every day I leave my soul behind just lying there in that little crib with nothing more to comfort him than lullaby's and a lil' prayer I leave behind. I pray and plead with my Heavenly Father to comfort him and let him know how deeply he is loved and needed here on earth. He has struggled and fought so hard and surely Heavenly Father will continue to help him survive.

Yesterday I found out that the yellow secretions coming from Emerson's ET tube is caused from Pseudomonas aeruginosa a very dangerous bacteria. He now has an infection in his lungs and I am panicking. The bacteria is a common one yet only attacks if your immune system is compromised. He is currently on antibiotics and trying to rid his system of this nasty bacteria. The bacteria is living in his ET tube (the ventilator) and will continue to be hazardous until he gets off the ventilator. When I left for the hospital today my main purpose was to talk to Dr. Lillian about extubating Emerson. I asked him if he had a time frame and he told me that since Emerson has such a messy airway he is worried about taking him off of the ventilator. He does not want to do more damage by having to possibly extubate and him not tolerating it well so having to re intubate. I guess it just stresses me out because I was hoping to bring Emerson home with in three weeks . It was very clear today that my time line would be extended to 6-8 weeks . Considering the fact we have already spent three months in the NICU 6-8 weeks seems like an eternity.

I also had an appointment today at 3:30 with a rehabilitation worker. The hospital sent a referral out for Emerson and I met with her to sign all the paper work. Therapists will come out to the house and work with Emerson on a regular basis. He will need extra help when he comes home due to developmental delays. This was really something that I didn't want to have to worry about. I realized today the reality is no baby can spend the first 4 months of his life in a tiny crib with hardly any positive interaction without having developmental delays. All Emerson knows at this point is needles, monitors, ventilators, and surgery. Babies need much more positive stimulation and interaction than he has experienced.

I spend time each day in the NICU holding and telling Emerson how much I love him and how proud I am of him. He has been so strong and everyday I promise him life really is much better than this . It is so important above all else that Emerson knows that he has a Mama, Daddy and brother that love him more than anything else in the world. I truly believe that up to this point Emerson continues to grow and thrive simply on Love. Love from his Heavenly Father and from all those who love and pray for him here on earth.