I just walked in the door from the hospital for the second time today and I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that I can't help but make a small post. I must warn you that there will not be too many words in this post. I am so behind in life in general that blogging has unfortunately taken its place at the very bottom of the list. I SIMPLY DON'T HAVE TIME .............and I DON'T want to talk about it!
Today was a very stressful day . For the last five weeks I have stayed relatively strong and composed with a few meltdowns, of course. Well this week I am done, I hit a wall and I hit it so hard that I am just exhausted . Emotionally , physically and mentally drained to a point that I can't even begin to explain. I am just so tired and feel like I can't do anything more . My purpose on this earth is to be a wife and mother and it seems more than ever that I am failing at both. I can't seem to do anything for the ones that mean the most to me . I want to make everything in life easier with no more worries or pain and I simply can not . I never once have felt like I do now a complete failure.
It is beginning to become a very long, lonely walk through the hospital and up the elevators to my precious little baby in the NICU. I am tired and worn out of sitting for hours and hours by the bedside panicking with every small beep that I hear. I sit and read Dr. Seuss books because they are the longest and Emerson enjoys hearing my voice ( at least the nurses are paid to say he enjoys my voice) . I am not sure he even knows who I am . I have only held him 4 times since he has been born and I am afraid when I touch him that he will quite breathing. Sometimes even my voice seems to be too much stimulatation.
I hesitate to type this because it is just too sad for me to think about as I have been trying to distract myself from this story all evening . Last night I was so excited because I finally was able to hold Emerson for the third time since his birth. I was anxious but nervous to hold my sweet little baby. It had been a while and I still wasn't sure if my touch would cause him to much stimulation resulting in oxygen deprivation or his heart rate to drop dramatically. However , with a little help from a blow by (form of oxygen) he did great and seemed to really enjoy me holding him. Emerson and I had a long conversation about our date that we had planned for the next day which was today . We talked about how I would come in the morning and I would hold him again. I got ready quickly this morning and rushed out the door to the hospital . I couldn't wait to hold Emerson as I had promised him I would the night before. As I was driving to the hospital I was planning in my mind exactly how I could politley ask the nurse if I could hold him. I arrived at the hospital and took the very long walk up to the NICU yet today was going to be very different than usual I had something to look forward to. I could finally hold my baby he is off the ventilator , his belly is not inflamed and today he is stable. I walk in go directly to the wash basin and three minutes of the usual hand washing. I meet Emersons nurse and begin my heartfelt yet simple question of , " If you have time do you think that maybe I can hold him for a just a few minutes?" With out even considering it she quickly says, " no he will not be able tolerate it. " I was so heartbroken and still am , I am typing this in tears. It was so very hard for me to ask if I could hold my own baby and without any consideration she just said no. I wouldn't have asked if Emerson wasn't stable and able to tolerate me. I was speechless and just cried, 5 minutes later I said good bye and I had to leave. I think it is especially hard because I knew that the Dr.s were planning on starting feed again tomorrow and Emerson's belly would become inflamed again . I would not be able to hold him tomorrow because of his discomfort and pain. I knew today was our day and I made a promise that I couldn't keep. I had gotten my hopes up so high and my heart all at once was broken.
Tonight I was slowing getting enough energy and determination to return to the hospital and try again . It was a new shift with new nurses and I couldn't help but think this was my last chance before he starts feeds again tomorrow. I was so excited to hear that my sister in -law Angie and mother in-law Barbara wanted to drive over to the hospital and visit Emerson with me. This brightened up my night and gave me just enough strength and courage to return to the hospital and try again. We walked in the doors , washed our hands and I asked the new nurse if I could hold Emerson for just a few minutes. She slightly hesitated and then with a smile she came over untangled all of the wires and cords and handed him to me. I could feel his sweet little spirit radiate. We stared into eachothers eyes and at that moment I could feel the undeniable love that our Heavenly Father has for Emerson and Me. He is so aware of us and I know that Emerson is very close to him each and every second of the day. He is watching very closely over my sweet little baby and loves and cares for him just as much as I do.
Here are a few pictures that I will forever cherish . Angie is incredably talented and I am so thankful that she is so willing to share her talents with us. She brought her camera and was able to capture these precious moments. 
Emerson stay strong baby and keep fighting , tomorrow is a new day !
We Love You and promise you that life isn't always like this.
Emerson stay strong baby and keep fighting , tomorrow is a new day !
We Love You and promise you that life isn't always like this.
"
3 comments:
You need to give yourself more credit Marisa. To say that you are failing as a wife and mother? Are you kidding me?! Look at how dedicated you have been to Emerson, driving usually twice a day to the hospital (now what, 40 minutes away?) to be with him? As emotionally exhausting as it must be to have been worrying constantly about him for the last 5 weeks, you still have put effort into being a loving wife to David and mother to Stratton, where many women wouldn't have the strength to do that. Don't expect yourself to still be able to do all that you used to do for your family until Emerson is home. Anybody that expects you to still be able to handle everything perfectly right now is smoking something! Quit beating yourself up.
Glad to see pictures of Emerson, what a sweetheart, can't wait to see him.
Oh Marisa, what a strong woman you are! There is not a person in this world who would agree that you are failing as a mother and wife. Again, I ask what I have before: What else can you do? You live on so little sleep, get up in the morning, take the long drive to the hospital and dream of seeing a healthy baby. You sit and let your strong spirit emanate as you sweetly speak to your bundle of joy. When you know that your toddler will be getting up from his nap, you make the long way home to be with him and keep as comfortable as possible. I have been so surprised at your outward composure. You love your little boy and husband so much that you put on a happy face, to shield them from your pain.
After Stratton goes to bed at night, you again make the trek to the hospital to be with your little one again, and after staying as long as your body will function, you again drive 28 miles home. Early the next morning, you start it all over again.
You have struggled, and you probably will continue to struggle through this trial, but YOU know the best part of it all. You know, that Heavenly Father is mindful of you. You have told me several times of your testimony of this. You know that when you rely on Him, everything else will fall into place.
Marisa, you are such a strong person and I KNOW that you can make it through this painful time with the guidance of the spirit. Thank you for sharing your strength with me!
I love you!
Oh Marisa I am so sad that you had such an awful experience that brought you down so low. You are doing an amazing job with everything. It isn't easy. I agree with Audra you are doing a great job as a mom and wife. Especially given the situation you are in. Keep your head held high. You nailed it right on the head, The Lord is fully aware of your struggles and Emerson's. He loves you so much, He is so proud of your efforts and of all you do! You are doing a wonderful job. We will continue to pray for you guys. We love you so much! so glad to see some more pictures of your little angel Emerson. I feel soo blessed to be able to see him. And Marisa when we were walking away from him and you bent down to talk to him and his eyes opened. I was about to cry. He is fully aware who you are and he loves you so much! The spirit was so strong that moment as you were talking to loving and tenderly to him. He knows who you are. You are doing a great job Marisa.
Post a Comment